Women
...Depois admirem-se por ficar viúvas!
Mostrar mensagens com a etiqueta humour. Mostrar todas as mensagens
Mostrar mensagens com a etiqueta humour. Mostrar todas as mensagens
2011-12-05
2009-05-21
2009-03-30
2009-01-12
Notícias: Cristiano Ronaldo e o cão de água português da família Obama
Hoje recebemos boas notícias para o ego português. CR 7 ou seja o nosso Cristiano Ronaldo foi eleito o Jogador do Ano pela FIFA. Há quem diga que o Best World Player FIFA 2008, terá declarado que «estou muito feliz, porque apesar de português realizei um sonho da minha vida»!Quem ficou muito feliz foi Alberto João que já ameaçou o Governo da República para não o continuarem a chatear porque o melhor jogador do Mundo é madeirense e sempre pode regionalizá-lo!!! Ah, ah, ah...
Hoje ficou também a saber-se que um cão de água português está na «short list» das escolhas para «Obama's family dog». Tal notícia já teve repercussões ruidosas na comunidade canina portuguesa. Se uns ficaram radiantes, outros preparam um abaixo-assinado para que a família Obama escolha igualmente um cão alentejano, um serra da estrela, um Lavrador português, um rafeiro, etc... Afinal o sonho americano nasceu para todos ou não?Não há dúvida que as notícias de hoje alimentam o ego português e afastam a crise por um tempinho...
Read More...
2008-12-16
2008-10-10
Stock market terms revisited
In view of the finantial market performance we had to give new definitions. I present my thanks to The Big Picture for its good humour and help us to (not) forget the disaster...
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
2008-05-17
Pneus
Agora já percebo porque dizem que as pessoas gordas têm pneus: foi uma invenção da Michelin...
2008-05-12
2008-04-04
Apr. 4 - World Rat Day
Well, well. I don't know very well what this is. But it seems interesting. Today is the World Rat Day. You can know more about this special day here
2008-03-19
2008-02-01
Management Lesson (IV)
Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.The Moneylender , who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgive the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.
3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag.
He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
Well, here is what she did ....
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.
«It's not because things are difficult that we don't dare; It's because we don't dare, that they are difficult»
Read: Management Lesson (I) ; Management Lesson (II) ; Management Lesson (III)
2008-01-29
Management lesson (III)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," told the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
2008-01-26
Management Lesson (II)
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO!".
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
"She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She blurted out, "The son of a bitch used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to its terms and getting screwed.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO!".
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
"She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She blurted out, "The son of a bitch used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to its terms and getting screwed.
Read More...
2008-01-24
Management Lesson
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass".
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."
Read More...
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass".
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."
2008-01-23
Humour or may be not : Stupidity
With chickens I understand but there are a lot of people even more stupid...
2007-10-26
Humour: Why is very difficult to be a teacher
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Zequinha: "HIJKLMNO ! "!!
Teacher : What are you talking about?
Zequinha : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
*******************
Teacher : Zequinha, go to the map and find North America.
Zequinha: Here it is!
Teacher : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Zequinha : Zequinha!
*******************
Teacher : Zequinha, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Zequinha: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
Teacher : No, that's wrong
Zequinha : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
*******************
Teacher : Zequinha, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Zequinha : I is...
Teacher : No, Zequinha. Always say, "I am."
Zequinha: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
*******************
Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of " COINCIDENCE?"
Zequinha: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
*******************
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
Zequinha: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
*******************
Teacher : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Zequinha: No sir, I don't have to , my mom is a good cook.
*******************
Teacher : Zequinha, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his ?
Zequinha: No, teacher, it's the same dog !
******************
Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Zequinha: A teacher
2007-08-29
2007-08-15
2007-06-28
What a coincidence!
photo: Clincking glasses A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks", he replied.
"What a coincidence", she said.
Read More...
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks", he replied.
"What a coincidence", she said.
2007-05-04
No Pants Day
It's time to change your routine. Today pants are not allowed !«No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well».
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